what should i do?

hey it's me again. i was posting 2 times today, wasn't me? it's because today i'm feelin bad. just so you know, it's my bad day story blog. and my normal day is on the another blog. and with indonesian language so it's hard to understand. this post i'm gonna tell you about my feeling this night. as ussually, i felt bad. it's because one of my friend said something i hate. let's call her Y. as what you've knew, i ever envied my friends right? and about the class performance plan? yeah it's connected. about that both. aaaand, the queen bee. it's happened recently. this evening, i sent Y a chat. i'm just asking her something. i knew it's annoying. i hate this. i'm just upset because why-are-they-so-meanie-to-me. that's all. the chat was 'hey, are you playing that game?' 'is there a meet and share today?' 'are you happy today?' 'are you laughing a lot today?' but it's actually mean 'are you playing game? i hate you because you're not waiting for me!' 'i knew there's a meet and share today. but YOU DIDN'T TOLD ME EITHER!' 'are you happy today? because i was so cruel and sad today!' 'are you laughing a lot today? because I'M CRYING A LOT INSIDE!' i was hurted because of them. it's hurt but they wouldn't feel it. i was backstabbed. that traitor. they're not my bestfriend because they didn't notice me. even sometime yes. and the thing that made me cruel this time is i sent a chat to her 'hey, so you won't reply huh? :)' then she sent me a PM.

'oh hi. sorry i wasn't noticed it's you. and umm yeah tommorow we will had a training. but queen bee-she said the real name- shoulda came tommorow because she's responsible of our training'

is my question asking about that? am i asking about that queen bee? did i? am i? i don't even ask her about that queen bee! doesn't she knew that is annoying me. that's hesitating. i was like 'what do you want? show me that you and her are the important girl that would performing on the stage? and me, just a ...' nevermind. the another thing is, peoples always blame me. but i can't scream to their faces and said 'STOP BLAME ME!' that's too hard for me. i knew about Y's dreamingboy. and i knew the truth.

2 days ago, she told me that 'the boy' made a space with her because another boy are waiting for her so 'the boy' is just surrender. but THAT'S DEFINITELY WRONG! she just too confidence. then i told her 'believe me, stop do that!' i said that because i can't let her being that slut again. i won't. but you know what? the wise one blame me. but before, she said that she wanna told Y about it. then i was blamed just because of that words? is it bad to make your friend better? she's suffer! 'the boy' is definitely love the other girl. she just won't realize. now they all were blame me. isn't that suck? i can crying all night. girls, please realize when he doesn't like you again. don't be too confidence. you shoulda know how the difference of the boy that still love you or not. i knew the truth but she won't hear me. then just wait the time that she'll crying. it's just about time trick. then i'm gonna waiting for the day. ah guys, i was so tired of being here. thanks for reading :)

since i lost my phone

do you ever has something that very stuck on you? for me, it's my cellphone. i hate when i lost my phone. why? because my life is kinda different now. my friends were act different to me. i was lie 'what the hell a difference of me with blackberry and me without blackberry!?' i was so upset because this one. imagine, you don't kn0w any new news of your friends without a cellphone. i can't sent a text nor received it. and i felt hesitated when people around me talking about they cellphone, plan to texting together, and another thing about cellphone near to me. another example is today. yesterday, and the previous day, i beg my friend to bring her netbook for playing a horror game using school wi-fi. my laptop kinda crapped out with wi-fi. because shit setting. then, i was beg it for 3 days before today. and yesterday, i talking about it so excited. i was like 'hey ***, let's play that horror game together! and rock the day! let's play all kind of the horror online game!' she's just nod agreed me. i told her that i'll come around 10am and meet her at class this morning. but you know what? today, this morning, i can't ask her that 'have you guys playing or waiting for me?' and i didn't see one of my friends. but suddenly, one of my friend's name on facebook appear that she's comment my post. then when i took a look, she typing 'hey! yes they has played it together! oh why are you don't came to school?' wooot?! she ask something she definitely knew. it's still 9am. 'hey, we played it together!' all of my friends playing without tell me nor waiting for me. then i reply her 'ah so y'all have been play that thing? then i'll not go to school' the she aint reply. maybe she's busy. i was so upset because it's me! it's me that ask my friend to bring her netbook today! it's me! the day i've been waiting for. but they didn't notice. shitty.

the other thing is, every week, i had schedule to meet and sharing. and i don't know when for this week. when i'm exploring the facebook, i've got new notice. my another friend commenting on my another post. she commenting, 'hey, why you didn't came to meet and share? are you lazy or something? hahaha'. when i red it, i was like 'what the heck!? nobody told me it's today!!! i haven't cellphone!' then i comment back 'nobody tell me' then she reply 'oh sorry. i thought **** told you recently. so sorry' i knew it's not her fault. but... didn't she knew?

another another is when try out. the last try out. stimulation for national exam. that was tuesday and today uniform is the yellow one. when i came to school, the queenbee-ast- and her friends laughing at me 'which school are you from! mwahahahaha!' then i knew that PEOPLE WEARING THE BLUE-WHITE uniform. then i'm crying. crying of what?? of THAT QB LAUGHING AT ME! doesn't she realize that i haven't blackberry lie she did? huh? i hate her so much. but i pretend like there's allright. and people started realize that nobody told me 'bout it. then that QB came to me and said 'i'm sorry. i already notice that nobody tell you. sorry' then she gone. THAT'S SO EASY TO SAID SORRY!!! but i can't be that cruel creature those day. i shoulda face the try out. huh. damn it.

i was so cruel of this. i can't buy it this month i guess. however i really need it! i knew it was so cruel for people around me to upset everytime people talking about texting, calling, bbm-ing, or something else. i feels like they don't respect me either. i want them to STFU front of me. huh, i hope they could understand someday

Maybe i was stubborn, or it's just my friends?

actually, it's my diary. it's ok if you read this. i will very appreciate it so much. check this out

Actually I don’t know for sure why-am-i-wrote-this. But I’m sure it’s just because of my suck boredom. Yeah, sometime I can’t control it. I just don’t know what should I do. As what you’ve knew from the last story, I was jealous of my besties. Yeah I do. I’m jealous. Why are they always got what they want? Besides I don’t. I don’t have a high intellegency after I move on an on from city to city. Its tiring me. I mean, I’m not stupid at all. I’m just lost some of my intellegency. I don’t even guessing how high my IQ now. Is it being lower or higher. The second is, I’m not as beautiful as the one of them. Yeah, she’s so beautiful. Has a perfect shape of nose. And me, I’m just a big nose. I don’t get what she’ve got. She’s tall. And I’m not yet. The other thing Is just another girl. She’s so wise. A leader. She has it. The think way like a leader. She’s always could pick the best answer of all question. She’s always could standing in front of a thousand people. Alone. She could perform anything. She’s high confidences. And I don’t. I’m never could be like her. Yet. I was always got a stage fever. I can’t stand in front of peoples. Neither in front of class. I was always clumsy. I can’t be as proud as her.i can’t. the other girl are just like the other. But no, she’s the natural one. She could say everything as she want and everyone will laugh. Because I see… she’s always funny. Her expression, her smile, whatever she did, that’s always funny. And I told you twice, she’s natural. She’s not making of it. That’s her icon. And everyone understand her. I can’t be like them. I was trying so hard but I can’t. I can’t reach what they’ve reached. I can’t do what they does. I can’t be who you are, guys. They don’t know I was always thinking about it often everynight. Why I can’t be like them. I know something I could have that they can’t. but it’s kinda worthless. It’s not a good way like them. And now, they could got a great high school. And me… I’m just a normal high school. I’m thingking about it. Maybe it’s because I don’t have any given like them. Anything I has is just this brain with it’s remaining IQ and my knowledge. I want people acknowledge me but myself… hmm. I don’t met someone who can wake me up yet. I need it right now. I need someone who can spirited myself. Even its boys or girls.young or old. Anyone. Just please give me strength. It’s killing me inside. My time is running out. And all I can do is crying and realize this is myself. I shoulda have to known who am i. I shoulda find out about myself. What will I be? If you wanna know what kind of suck is my life, listen. It’s Thursday. And I’ll got a high school test. It’s kinda 600 people competed. And me? I’m reading manga all day. I’m just bored. And when I saw people studying, it’s freak me down. They’re so study hard. Its maybe because I’ve got a high school. I was underestimated myself. I think reading manga is better at all for now. I’m reading about naruto and… hmmm. I was thinking ‘why that’s not me? I want his spirit. So warm and strong. When will I be like him?’ and I’m thinking about how. How to be like him. How to have a great spirit like him. But all I think is killing. No, that’s not a way. That’s just a radical thing that would skip my way. But it’s just keeping myself in this area. A hopeful area that always make me comfort for hoping, daydreaming, besides I’m not waking at all. It’s like I’m seeing a beautiful sky everyday but I won’t draw it. When I know I could draw it perfectly. I’m just… I have not enough faith. Yes I don’t believe in myself yet. Omgosh what a long text. I did it again. Hmm. And me… I was down to earth too deep. Until I can’t see the surface. I knew my English are still bad. So I’m sorry if you guys are a little confused of read it. But I’m really impressed if you guys like my post. Especially follow me. I was privated my blog before. Because I’m afraid if my friend saw it. But now, I’ll take the risk. If they gonna hate me, I’ll try to take it. Even it’s hard. But I think they will not mad at me. Hey, I don’t make any fault. Err… maybe talking about my friends on my blog. But wait, it’s my blog. I can write anything here. Although, I don’t wrote they name on it. I know I’m safe J wait, I was always do everything in the safe side. I never wanna take a risk. I’m selfish. Why am i?! this is why I can’t be like my friends! I was too different from them. They’re talking reality. And I’m just daydreaming. I love playing a role in my head. I was always ‘playing my movie’ everytime I go to bed before I sleep. I do read the fairytale. I do believe on it. I do read about killing and violence. But I’m afraid and scaed of it. Oh anyone please help me. I was fell too deep. And I still thinking about handphone. I want it. I want a new handphone. Khu khu khu. It was out of topic so far. Ok I must end it before it’s too far.

my worst mood

i was bad mood. i was bad tempered. JUST NOW! you know? every year there's a graduation and every class are present their class. for the first, my class wanna present something that's very exciting. we were happy. we all are ready. but YOU KNOW WHAT? it was changed. i was like 'its ok, its ok'. then i have not an act. what? then suddenly they wanna make up. wanna make something new. i was like 'what the hell?' i think it's gonna be better. but it's be more wth. i don't like it. and now, you know what? thats a new present. and i hate this! you know why? because it's different! the first plan is everyone in class are participation. and the second plan are 'NOT AT ALL' just an exist girl in my class. and i think i don't. today i got a problem with a boy i adore. it's such a big deal. but suddenly someone text me 'tommorow you don't force to come. but some people that act should come. there's-blablabla- and everyone who don't get it just please do something with the property' and you know? I DON'T GOT ANY ACT. so i must do something with a boxes or plastic bags. what? and it's hurt me more when i knew that someone who called them my bestfriend got the act. and i don't. how could they? i was like... i wanna cry. they're acting on the stage and i just sitting on the chair, watch them. watching all of my besfriend are acting like... hmm. why is it? the thing they don't know is... when i'm just doing with property, I WILL NOT DOING ANYTHING? there's so many people with a creative hand and i DON'T. why are they? are they just wanna shoo me out? get the fuck off of there? then i won't go to school tommorow. i don't. i wanna swimming tommorow. then i could crying as much as i want. they don't know how i feel it. they never known it. but i won't ask for an act. because i knew enough that they're not believe me. i didn't notice i'm crying right now. i remember friday i'll go with my classes. the day i've been waiting for. but my day are broken right now. RIGHT NOW. and idk should i go with that fukin girls? or don't. i really hurt. because i was waiting for that both day. the graduation and go with class. but this fuk thing are happened to me. gosh please help me outta here. it's being harder everyday. i jus't can't help it. and i can't be this alone forever. i hope it's gonna be better.

I'm feelin bad

based on my previous posting, i was felt bad. yes i am. i'm in love with someone again. i'm open these oversensitive heart. i was break it's lock. i knew it's such a big deal. but i don't know what should i do. i was attracted with his look. with his funny. just like the previous fukin boy. i do wanna cry. i do suffer again. God i don't wanna do this anymore. but i can't keep it. my heart like wanna break itself don't care how hurt it will. i knew it's my mistake. i knew he wouldn't read this. but i just wanna every people who red it, don't try to break your own heart. it's heart. i was did it a thousand times but i can't handle it. i knew i can't stop opened his profil. i seems like i was stuck with his face. i need his question. i will do anything to impress him. but he seems like don't need me anymore. am i hoping too much? or is it because i was gave some other guy a hopeless for reach my love? isn't it? i wont be this jerk anymore. i wanna be an happy girl. but it hard. boy was my lifepart. was. and the previous boys are my toys. was. i don't wanna do this anymore. i don't wanna make a foe. love is a trust. i wont break it anymore. i wanna be a good girl who can treat her boy. i wanna be faithfully. i don't wanna beg an affected. i want that boy is beg me for my love. i want him. a different one. but i won't make him being a sux boy. Gosh if he's made for me, please tell me. if not, please make it. God I beg you the best. may you bless me and gimme the best one. :')

blame myself

i wanna blame myself

IKR

it's my another mistakes

the first mistake is when i sent him s first chat

the second mistake is when i'm looking on his photos

the third mistake is when i'm looking on his face

the fourth mistake is when i'm started chat him often

the fifth mistake is when i'm chat him everytime i saw him appear

the sixth mistake is when i feel so comfortable when chatting with him

the seventh mistake is when i was asking him everything

the eighth mistake is when i was laughing everytime he made a joke

the ninth mistake is when i was smiling everytime he reply my chat

the tenth mistake is when i was start to like him

the eleventh mistake is when i was waiting for him appear

the twelvth mistake is when i'm sleep too late with him

the thirteenth mistake is when i'm happy when he asking me

the fourteenth mistake is when i told him a much song for him

the fifteenth mistake is when i'm ask him to give his flashdisk

the sixteenth mistake is when i'm ignore his offer to give his fd to me on wednesday

the seventeenth mistake is when i ask him again to give me on afternoon of wednesday

the eighteenth mistake is when i read his ignorance chat

the ninteenth mistake is when i feel so sad because i can't see his face nor hear his voice

the twelve mistake is when i wrote this down and i know how pathethic i was in liking someone